Relieved…


So lately I have been hanging out with my friends for a change and not being totally and completely secluded and to myself. I like it! I didn’t realize how much I have missed my friends and how much I have missed being apart of their lives. I feel like I have missed so much. I feel kind of guilty and a little selfish for it.
Last night we all hung out and of course drank. I feel like complete poop today but I ate an egg sandwich and am feeling a little better now. I saw one of my best friends last night and I was so happy to see her! She lives 20 minutes away now so we rarely see eachother because we are both so busy. She’s very close to my heart and yesterday while I was a little intoxicated, I spoke of my eating disorder with her. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest because now atleast someone knows. I told her I need help and she’s willing to go with me anywhere to seek it. It makes me so happy that I will finally get my life back and everything I have been missing out on! It makes me sad to think I have let it get this far. I thought I could stop at anytime, but now I know that I depend on it now whether I’m happy or sad. It’s my go-to coping method. I’m ready to let go of my past and embrace my future of unending possibilities. Hey, I’m only nineteen! I hope I can remain strong in my recovery process!
On a lighter note…It’s fourth of july weekend! YAY! As I write this I already feel the anxiety as to how much I am going to eat and what it is I will eat.

How do you stay healthy at parties?
Have you ever gone through the recovery process from an addiction or disorder? What was your experience with that?

I know I’ve been a bad blogger about my food but here are some pictures from throughout the week of what I have been eating.

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2 responses

  1. Hi Sara! I am so glad you stopped by and commented on my blog so that I could find yours! First, I think the look is so cute, gotta love monkeys 🙂
    Second, you should be so proud of yourself for choosing to hang out with friends rather than stay isolated and alone. Trust me, I know how much easier it is to always be by yourself, not really talking to anyone, doing what you want to when you want to, eating what and when you want, exercising… all without someone there to get in the way. Perhaps it sounds a bit desirable, but what is life without social interactions, relationships, making memories, and sharing adventures with others? It’s no life that I want to live which is something I am finally understanding.
    For so long, I chose to be by myself, because that was when I was in the most control and no one would “bother me” or take me away from my routine. But that routine was the thing that was controlling me, and by choosing to never be with anyone and constantly restrictive, I was severely unhappy, yet caught up in the toxic thoughts in my head.
    Yes, I still enjoy being alone, I need my “me” time, and that’s is fine. But I have learned that I like being with other people too, because it is not always about food, everyone is not constantly trying to make you fat, something I believed for a while.
    Keep stepping out of your comfort zone, taking chances, opening up to people when you feel comfortable, and the recovery process will continue in a positive direction. You are strong, we got this girl 🙂

    • ME TOO! Last summer was my worst I have ever been by far. I was ALWAYS alone and when I would go around my friends they would make me feel so uncomfortable because they had all their inside jokes and all their memories from the summer and I felt so left out! I remember telling my friends lies so that I wouldn’t have to interrupt my schedule or be tempted by their “bad” food. I remember getting so mad and frustrated with them so fast and just not being myself. I finally told one of my friends about my disorder and almost told my sister yesterday on July 4th but I didn’t want to ruin her day so i figure I’ll tell her another day. Do your parents and siblings know? If so how did they find out? Also, are you going to therapy or anything? I think I would benefit from therapy a lot because I find that I use my disorder to cope whether it’s with good or bad. Does your boyfriend know about your past? Mine thinks but he doesn’t know for sure but I don’t want to upset him ya kno? Same with my parents I don’t want to burden them with my problems I mean they already have enough of their own. I just don’t know what to do! But I do need help.

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