I must confess…

I decided if I’m going to have this blog, I have to be truthful to my readers. So let me begin by saying I am in no way “normal” about food. It really began my senior year of high school. I had always been self conscious since I was a little girl, mostly because I had size B boobs in third grade. I was still a little girl, yet with womanly parts. Developing early and growing larger by the year made it very difficult for me mentally considering I was still a child. Men started to look at me in a different way and it made me uncomfortable. I still just wanted to play babies! By my junior year of high school my boobs had gotten out of control. I remember having size J boobs. I was 127 lbs. but all BOOB! I had a very athletic body and lived life to the fullest! I can’t tell you how much I miss those days. Since then a lot has changed! The beginning of my senior year was traumatic for me. Kyle and I had been dating junior year and he broke up with me that summer to go to France for a month so when we went back to school I saw him EVERYDAY. Not only did I just see him but I saw him and 384189347 other girls flirt with him and he flirt back and him date other girls. It was torture for me. So in September I decided I needed to do something. I remember he told me one time that if I lost five pounds he would give me five dollars. So one day after dinner I felt the urge to purge. Mind you I had never done this before, but my best friend was bulimic and showed me how one day so I knew it worked. (just writing this all out makes me a little sick) So I tried and succeeded. I felt better after my first time and felt so in control. I told myself I would only do this when I felt like I had splurged too much. Well, that never happened. I started doing it EVERYDAY. I wasn’t bingeing or eating a lot by any means I just liked the feeling of having an empty stomach, it gave me rather a high. By December I was doing it everyday two or more times a day. I was bingeing now. I would eat nothing then binge on whatever I could find and throw everything up. I would make sure I did. By February I was 102 lbs. People started noticing and asking me questions. But, what did I do?! LIE. Yes, I’m a big fat liar. I started drifting away from my best friends becoming secluded and brittle. Of course Kyle noticed. Of course he was worried. Of course he asked what was wrong. I liked the attention so I kept doing it. April I guess is when I decided I had a problem and needed to stop so I slowly weened myself off of purging. I would do it every now and then and just replaced my obsession with working out. I became a work out phene! If I didn’t work out I felt FAT. This is where my diet changed too. I cut off carbs, fats and just ate fruits and vegetables and sometimes a sweet potato and some chicken. By the end of summer I was 92 lbs. I had size C boobs. I looked happy and everyone complimented on my looks but I was dying inside and literally miserable. I went away to school in August and my disorder came back with a vengence…to be continued.

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